Haydn: Hey Bike, what did you think of our trip to the Alps?

Bike: It was OK. You only invited me because your foot hurt and you couldn’t run like you originally wanted.

Haydn: Possibly, yes, but we had a nice time didn’t we? And Darren still got to recce the Ultra Tour Monte Rosa route, even if he did have to carry on solo.

Bike: You didn’t look after me.

Haydn: I did all of these things to get you ready!

• Suspension service (forks, shock, dropper post)
• Replace bearings: wheels, bottom bracket, headset
• Refill tyre sealant
• Fit chain guard
• Convert dropper post to cable actuation
• New brake pads f&r
• New pedals
• New BikeYoke rear mech pulley
• Full strip down de-grease, wash and oil/lube (he even replaced some grease with anti-seize, like a professional!)

Bike: And here’s what you didn’t do…

• Replace freehub body

Haydn: Yes, well you made that abundantly clear when you jammed it solid at the start of the first day for no discernible reason. I had to pay £50 for a train to Zermatt to be told you weren’t fixable! And I didn’t have my running gear with me!

Bike: I liked listening to you trying to explain in German that the freehub body was broken. Anyway, the mechanic made me feel better.

Haydn: It was a temporary fix. You still need a transplant. The mechanic said you could break at any time. That’s why we abandoned the original plan of shadowing Darren for four days and had to stay in Zermatt for gentle rides.

Bike: Sorry. I liked the berms though. They were more fun than the big uphill and you blathering on about how cool that hill looked.

Haydn: “That hill” is the Matterhorn. An iconic peak, and one of the last great mountains in the Alps to be climbed, exacting a heavy toll on the successful party.

Bike: I liked the berms.

Haydn: OK, great. Which other bits did you like?

Bike: The train to the top of the mountain. That was easy. But then you made me ride down a defrosted piste.

Haydn: Ah yes, I apologise for that. I’d assumed a recommended MTB route on the official Zermatt website wouldn’t take you down a waterlogged piste for 4.5km. The singletrack after it was amazing though, right?

Bike: Definitely the best we’ve ever done.

Haydn: Yes, it’s in the top five for sure.

Bike: Top five? We’ve definitely never done anything better than that.

Haydn: Let’s not forget that I’ve had other bikes before you, and ridden other bits of singletrack.

Bike: Hush your mouth! I don’t want to hear about those hussies. I was a bit scared when you lowered me down that steep slope with a climbing sling to reach the bridge though. And when you made me go along the narrow path where you had a handrail and I was just dangling.

Haydn: We all have to get scared sometimes. I was a bit scared when we rode along that narrow trail above the really steep slope to the valley floor.

Bike: That was easy! You’re a wimp.

Haydn: Yes, but the penalty for failure was huge.

Bike: I liked the other train too. The one inside the mountain.

Haydn: The funicular? It seemed the logical option because the climb looked like hard work. Erm, I mean, I did it to minimise the stress on your freehub by skipping the climb. Anyway, you only liked that because it took us straight back to the top of the berms.

Bike: 3km of berms! What’s not to like?

Haydn: Are you still angry that I didn’t take you to the Gorner Gorge? I told you, they don’t allow bikes.

Bike: You didn’t even check!

Haydn: OK, I admit I assumed they don’t allow bikes. It’s a gorge though, it’s not really your terrain.

Bike: How did Darren get on, anyway?

Haydn: Alright – it sounds like a tough route. He got to go over a glacier. You could have done that if you hadn’t broken yourself.

Bike: It’s not my fault! I was poorly!

Haydn: Fine. Well done on a reasonable show in general though. If you play your cards right then maybe next time we can go somewhere special instead of Merthyr Tydfil.

Bike: Thanks. You ate too much Toblerone.

Haydn: Ssssh. Time to go back in the shed now.